Depression in 10 Steps
Never see an ounce of daylight. Spend as much time inside as possible. The sun and the parks are enemies; the blinds and the bed are friends. Yet, if you must go outside: always wear hoodies, sweatpants, pajamas or some derivation of those despite what’s seasonally appropriate. (This is your baseline: things like this: avoiding basic hygiene, having a ridiculous amount of daily screen time, etc., are the buns to your depression burger, but the real meat of the sandwich are the next steps in this plan.)
Always think you’re on the precipice of doing something of value. Tell yourself that in an hour, after you’re finished scrolling, you’ll do something productive: preferably, something you’ve been dreading or procrastinating terribly. Mark your time in this period before the monolith that is exploiting your barely-used intellectual power as transitional: to be glossed over and contain nothing but tiny sparks of dopamine from soulless media. And when, of course, you fail to attempt that task, the dial is moved further and further and further: that transition period becomes nearly all of your time. You think your time is leading up to something bigger: just after a few more hours of TikTok, so you don’t treat it with dignity.
You are and have always been the same, exact person. You will never change and there’s no point in attempting to. Whatever you think you’ll do is what’s going to happen, at all times. You must be confined by what you believe you can accomplish and you must believe what you can accomplish is very little. That daunting project that’s been on the to-do list for months will stay there simply because you never thought you were going to do it and therefore didn’t. You say this because the other project wasn’t even started on so there’s no point in convincing yourself it’ll be different this time because—remember—you are and have always been the same, exact person.
Indulge. Take every single opportunity to indulge in temporary pleasures. Hungry? Eat candy. Bored? Scroll Instagram. Need some thrill in your life? Go gambling. Feeling empty inside? Go virtual shopping—items from Amazon will stuff that emotional void. Are you depressed by now? If so, cope by drinking alcohol, smoking and taking drugs.
Live in the past. Think about what you could’ve done, instead of what you can do. Reminisce about what once was, not what could be. Never stop thinking about that ex-girlfriend/boyfriend and never forgive yourself (but as step-9 states, it wasn't your fault) for messing that relationship up. Consume yourself with thinking of strategies for fixing what you did wrong in the past, yet never think of applying it in the present.
Never spend time with your thoughts alone. Reading, gardening, painting: any solitary activities that might leave you with your brain only, you must avoid vigorously. If you’re led down that treacherous path you might be additionally led to question your way of life (and foil this plan) or, even worse, critically analyze your actions and self.
Understand this: life is not a "miracle” or beautiful in any way. View everything in a narrow, scientific frame-work: remove all faith and belief from your life and vocabulary. Exterminate all conceptions that nature is inherently beautiful: browse places on the internet like r/natureismetal and r/antinatalism. Dogs and cats are not cute, lovable, loyal animals, they have simply just evolved to be so and find it viable for their survival and potential reproduction. Realize life is mainly suffering and dissatisfaction with current states and that bringing a child into it is the ultimate secular sin—therefore, you see babies as a symbol of unhappiness.
You are embarrassing. People hate when you laugh: don’t. Don’t utter anything to anyone about that obscure and experimental band you’re newly fond of, it would be embarrassing to show the real you. Bottle up your emotions: nobody needs your incoherent ramblings.
It’s never your fault. Don’t recognize your short-comings, blame them pettily on others tangentially related to them. Additionally, your own unproductivity either is someone else’s doing or society’s. You didn’t come to work today (and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before tha-) not because you didn’t feel like it but because you were practicing ‘self-care’ and because Sharon, in the office parallel to you, really got on your nerves last month so you had no choice but not to arrive, otherwise there might’ve been an altercation with you and Sharon (which, by the way, would be completely her fault).
Go all or nothing. You must remember there is no in-between. You’re either fat or fit; depressed or happy; shy or gregarious. You must be perfect or shattered: nothing more, nothing less. Yet, if you somehow gain motivation to flip to the opposite side of this binary: one of happy, healthy, smart people then of depressed, ill, lonely people: organize a 12-step, grueling morning routine containing nothing but kale, raw eggs, dumbbells, cold showers and sweat coinciding with a plan of a day comprising nothing but inverses of what you’ve been doing, then—because you must go all or nothing—you completely give up after sleeping in thirty minutes too late for how the routine is blocked.
Sounds about right, thanks!
New bucket list tyy